Subject: Marriage (Page 34)

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids… well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.

(1965 – ) British-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Family Marriage

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

Catholics don't get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

(1953 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Religion

France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are made in America.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Divorce Marriage Places

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor
Emotions Government Law Lawyers Marriage

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Wives Wordplay

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Education Marriage School

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Wives

[Marriage] is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Marriage

I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Marriage Wives

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Divorce Emotions Love Marriage

He’s the most married man I ever saw in my life.

Charles Farrar Browne (1834 – 1867) humorist
Marriage

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I’d like to marry a nice domesticated homosexual with a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.

(1960 – ) English comedian, novelist & actress
Housework Marriage Men

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Alcohol Marriage Men

Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage Men School

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian
Children Marriage Wives

A husband always prefers his wife’s mother-in-law to his own.

Marriage

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Husbands Marriage People

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Conflict Marriage