Subject: Marriage (Page 35)

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Marriage

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian
Appearance Health Husbands Marriage Ugly

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Marriage Speech Wives

I recently got married… it was like a reverse Lord of the Rings situation – I got a ring and I lost half of my powers.

(1985 – ) American comedian & actor
Marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

(1885 – 1957) French stage actor, film actor, director, screenwriter & playwright
Marriage Wives

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance Body Marriage Wives

I’ve been married to one Marxist and one fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.

(1927 – ) American actress
Husbands Marriage People

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

(1749 – 1832) German writer & statesman
Emotions Love Marriage

I'm single because I was born that way.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Marriage Men People

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor
Emotions Government Law Lawyers Marriage

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men People

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Health Marriage Wives

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

One man's folly is another man's wife.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Men People Wives

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Marriage

If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs Husbands Marriage Wives

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Divorce Marriage

They have come up with a perfect understanding; he won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

Husbands Marriage Wives