Subject: Marriage (Page 4)

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.

Marriage Sex

Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.

Definitions Marriage

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they’ll fill out tons of paperwork.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Marriage

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace, which I think is fine, cause if we didn’t make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Marriage Money People Women

Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer; but me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Government Husbands Law Lawyers Marriage

All of the troubles that some people have in life is that which they married into.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Marriage Problems

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Characteristics Marriage

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Divorce Marriage

A fate worse than marriage; a sort of eternal engagement.

(1939 – ) English playwright
Marriage

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Marriage

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Clothing Sex Wives

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage Wives

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Death Marriage Wives

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Marriage

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

Monogamy: A marriage system in which subscribers are requested to return one wife before taking another.

Definitions Marriage

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home… there's always something.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Marriage People

My wife converted me to religion; I never believed in hell until I married her.

(1892 – 1992) American film & television producer & director
Beliefs Marriage Religion Wives

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Marriage

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

(1924 – ) 39th U.S. president & humanitarian
Marriage Problems Wives