Subject: Marriage (Page 4)

Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.

Definitions Marriage Wives

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian
Marriage Money Shopping Wives

Marriage: The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch.

Definitions Marriage

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Divorce Marriage

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Husbands Marriage

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Politicians are wedded to the truth, but like many other married couples they sometimes live apart.

(1870 – 1916) British writer
Characteristics Government Honesty Marriage Politicians Truth

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Marriage

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Marriage Sex

My wife has cut me down to once a month; I'm lucky…
I know two guys she cut off completely.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

My boyfriend and I broke up; he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Relationships

You know you’re getting older when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along

Age Marriage Old Wives

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage

You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… husband!

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Husbands Marriage

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Divorce Emotions Love Marriage

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Marriage Wives

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Marriage

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window; you may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Appearance Clothing Marriage Shopping

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast time.

(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright
Marriage Time

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Divorce Marriage

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Marriage Money