Subject: Marriage (Page 5)

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Wives Wordplay

Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Divorce Marriage

I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Marriage Things Wives

Ah Mozart! He was happily married… but his wife wasn’t.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Marriage

My grandmother buried three husbands… and two of them were only napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Death Husbands Marriage Relationships

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Marriage

Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.

Definitions Marriage Wives

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage

The first one’s the hardest, then you know the routine.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Divorce Marriage

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

(1952 – ) comedian
Marriage People Self

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer
Children Divorce Family Marriage

Newlywed: A man who puts up the storm windows the first time his wife suggests it.

Definitions Marriage

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.

(1954 – ) Australian author
Marriage

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Communication Girlfriends Marriage Relationships Speech

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Characteristics Marriage

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic
Marriage Wives

Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer; but me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Government Husbands Law Lawyers Marriage

You might be a redneck if… your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Divorce Marriage People Rednecks Relationships

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage

You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… husband!

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Husbands Marriage

It is better to have an ugly wife for one’s self than a beautiful wife for others.

Appearance Marriage Proverbs Wives