Subject: Marriage (Page 6)

Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Definitions Marriage

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

(1958 – ) screenwriter, film director & actor
Marriage

Engagement: A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement.

Definitions Marriage

Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Marriage

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian
Marriage Money Shopping Wives

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

(1882 – 1942) American actor
Divorce Marriage Money Time

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Marriage

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Marriage

Some women pick men to marry; and others pick them to pieces.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage Men People Women

The bride’s family sat on this side, and the groom’s family sat on that side ’cause of the restraining order.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Hollywood Marriage Places

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

(1894 – 1967) English heir, New York socialite (married 13 times)
Divorce Marriage

Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anesthetic.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage Wives

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Divorce Insults Marriage

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Husbands Marriage Wives

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Marriage

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Marriage Situations Sleep

The only person who listens to both sides of a husband and wife argument is the woman in the next apartment.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Marriage

All weddings, except those with shotguns in evidence, are wonderful.

(1923 – ) American journalist & gossip columnist
Marriage

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

(1888 – 1973) American pioneer in the study of psychiatry
Emotions Love Marriage

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.

(1893 – 1957) American actress & celebrity
Marriage Mistakes Money