Subject: Marriage (Page 8)

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Marriage

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Money

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage Wives

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking; it’s called marriage.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Marriage Money

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Husbands Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage

My wife gets all the money I make… I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Marriage Wives

Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Definitions Marriage

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she’s a householder.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright
Marriage

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Health Wives

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Marriage

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Happiness Life Marriage People Poverty Wealth

I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Children Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

‘Tis my maxim he’s a fool that marries, but he’s a greater that does not marry a fool.

(c. 1641 – 1716) English dramatist
Marriage

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer
Marriage Men Mistakes

I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.

comedian
Communication Marriage Speech

Newlywed: What you and your spouse will officially be considered until your first anniversary, or until you go an entire week without sex (whichever comes first).

Definitions Marriage

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Alcohol Marriage Men

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

(1907 – 2003) American actress of film, stage & television
Communication Marriage