Subject: Marriage (Page 8)

You’re supposed to spend two months worth of salary on an engagement ring, so when I get engaged, some lucky lady will receive a piece of Life Savers candy.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Marriage Money

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking…,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

American actor & comedian
Marriage Situations Wives

Christmas is not the time for regrets… that's what anniversaries are for.

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

We have a good time together, even when we’re not together

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Marriage Yogi-isms

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Children Marriage

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Marriage Time Wives

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Marriage

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

A man is incomplete until he is married; after that, he is finished.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Marriage Men People

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.

Marriage Proverbs

One night she told me to put out the garbage; I told her "you cooked it, you take it out."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

Marriage: The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch.

Definitions Marriage

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn’t work on auto-pilot and it’s very difficult to have sex in.

(1964 – ) American comedian
Marriage Sex

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Health Wives

My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.'

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

The first one’s the hardest, then you know the routine.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Divorce Marriage

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives

Last week I planned my husband’s funeral; he hasn’t died yet, it’s just what I do when he annoys me.

comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Autos Marriage Things