Subject: Marriage (Page 9)

You might be a redneck if… the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Marriage People Rednecks Wives

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Marriage Sex

I understand that many newlyweds are vacationing here (Niagara Falls)… I suppose seeing the falls was their second biggest disappointment.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Husbands Marriage Wives

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Husbands Marriage People Women

Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

(1960 – ) English actor
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Future Husbands Marriage Proverbs Time Wives

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Marriage People Wives

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.

Definitions Marriage

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

My wife was fitted with a coil… she used to pick up CB signals.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Marriage Wives

FREE TO GOOD HOME – Beautiful 6 mo. old male kitten — orange & caramel tabby, playful, friendly very affectionate, ideal for family w/ kids. OR Handsome 32 yr. old husband – personable, funny, good job, but doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes. Call Jennifer 265-…. — come see both and decide which you'd like.

Animals Cats Classifieds Husbands Marriage

I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids… well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.

(1965 – ) British-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Family Marriage

Men enter politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.

(1909 – 1993) British naval historian & author
Government Marriage Politics

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

Expressions Marriage

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Definitions Marriage

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage Wives

I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor
Marriage

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Marriage Wives

They weren't really weddings, just long costume parties.

(1920 – 2002) American singer
Marriage