Subject: Marriage » Wives

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job… my wife told me.

(1920 – 1991) American poet

My wife and I were happy for twenty years… before we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

(1924 – ) 39th U.S. president & humanitarian

If you run into an old girlfriend – no matter how innocently – your wife will know about it before you get home.

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

My wife was fitted with a coil… she used to pick up CB signals.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host

Oh, we were doomed from the start. I’m an Earth sign. She’s a Water sign. Together, we made mud.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anesthetic.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Presidents don’t do it to their wives; they do it to their country.

(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

Why do men die before their wives? … Could it be because they want to?

(1967 – ) English comedian

Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.

I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

(1925 – 2010) American film actor

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.