Subject: Marriage » Wives (Page 2)

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping… you get another wife.

writer, website creator

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

My wife gets so jealous; she came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night… for other men.

comedian

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement; I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My wife is Hawaiian; well… no she’s not, but she’s shaped like a pineapple.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor

They have come up with a perfect understanding; he won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.

To my darling wife – roses are red, violets are blue, Valentines Day is consumerist rubbish, don’t you have some ironing to do?

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

I know not which lives more unnatural lives, obeying husbands, or commanding wives.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

My wife donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor