Subject: Marriage » Wives (Page 3)

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Husbands Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian
Marriage Money Shopping Wives

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Marriage Wives

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Marriage Wives

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives; the first one left me and the second one didn’t.

(1956 – ) English actor
Marriage Wives

By all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

(469 BC – 399) BC Greek philosopher
Emotions Happiness Marriage Wives

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Marriage Speech Wives

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement; I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

Housework Husbands Murphy’s Laws Wives

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Husbands Marriage Wives

Wife: A former sweetheart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Wives

When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Marian Jordan (1898 – 1961) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)
Husbands Marriage Wives

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Marriage Sex Speech Wives

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I'd like to ask my wife… little things like, 'Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair?

comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

(1925 – 2010) American film actor
Age Marriage Wives

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor
Marriage Wives

When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Conflict Husbands Marriage Wives

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Marriage Things Wives

You know you’re getting older when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along

Age Marriage Old Wives