Subject: Marriage » Wives (Page 5)

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian
Children Marriage Wives

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

I am a very committed wife, and I should be committed too – for being married so many times.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Marriage Self Wives

You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer
Golf Money Sports Wives

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Husbands Marriage Shopping Wives

Middle-age is the time of life, that a man first notices – in his wife.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
Age Marriage Wives

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor
Marriage Wives

I’ve never won an argument with her; and the only times I thought I had, I found out the argument wasn’t over yet.

(1924 – ) 39th U.S. president & humanitarian
Wives

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Wives

When in the course of human affairs – your spouse always finds out.

Husbands Marriage Murphy’s Laws Wives

My wife and I were happy for twenty years… before we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Time Wives

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives; the first one left me and the second one didn’t.

(1956 – ) English actor
Marriage Wives

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian
Marriage Money Shopping Wives

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

Oh, we were doomed from the start. I’m an Earth sign. She’s a Water sign. Together, we made mud.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee; unfortunately, she was just coming home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Sex Wives