Subject: Marriage » Wives (Page 6)

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

(1948 – ) English novelist

Hovering between wife and death.

(1771 – 1854) Scottish writer

It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.

American football coach

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Why do we have to go out Peg? … Isn’t it enough I know I’m married to you; do we have to tell the whole world?

(1946 – ) American actor

Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night… for other men.

comedian

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

(1920 – 2006) American actress

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.

(1864 – 1930) Scottish whisky distiller

Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is enjoy earning it.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian

Horse sense is what prevents a woman from becoming a nag.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor