Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 11)

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” … and then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

I’ll Marry You Tomorrow (But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite)

Miscellaneous

Pretty is as pretty does.

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Another horse been in his barn

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After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I’m going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, “Hey, old buddy, how’s it going?”

Miscellaneous

I’d like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he’s applying for the loan he’s still real smart-alecky.

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I could eat the horse and chase the jockey.

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To get clear water, go to the head of the branch.

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So ugly he could snag lightning

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I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that he was really my grandfather and the other guy was an impostor and to run for help.

Miscellaneous

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

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Looks like he’s been chewin’ tobacco and spittin’ in the wind.

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I’m so mad I could eat barbed wire and spit nails.

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Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

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Sittin’ in the catbird seat

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Not particularly handsome

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He could fall down walkin’ from the house to the barn.

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He lives in your neck of the woods.

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It's come a cloud.

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A face like a cobbler’s thumb

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I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it.

Miscellaneous