Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 16)

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Miscellaneous

He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

Miscellaneous

No bigger than the little end of nothin’ whittled down to a fine point.

Miscellaneous

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say “How do you figger that!” real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

Miscellaneous

They from off.

Miscellaneous

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Miscellaneous

Put on the dog

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I am ashamed of confessing that I have nothing to confess.


Miscellaneous

He was so nervous, he could thread a sewing machine while it was running.

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Mr. Ruskin is about to begin a work of great importance and therefore begs that in reference to calls and correspondence you will consider him dead for the next two months.

(1819 – 1900) English art critic, social thinker, poet & artist
Miscellaneous

Probably one of the main problems with owning a robot is when you want him to go out in the snow to get the paper, he doesn’t want to go because it’s so cold, so you have to get out your whip and start whipping him, and the kids start crying, and oh why did I ever get this stupid robot?

Miscellaneous

He learned to whisper in a sawmill.

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Dumb as a sack of doorknobs

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I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

Miscellaneous

It's hotter than the four sides of Hell.

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I’m gonna tan yer hide!

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In my opinion anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy.

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She's got mud all over her from bum hole to breakfast time.

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Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Miscellaneous

Whenever you see a bunch of Italian guys talking Italian, just go up to them and start talking fake Italian. They may not understand you exactly, but at least everyone will get a nice warm “Italian” feeling.

Miscellaneous

I organized my stuff and put it in boxes… then I put labels on each of the boxes; now I have a box full of razor blades labeled “Plan B.”

American comedian
Miscellaneous