Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 16)

It’s got tits or tires, you’re gonna have trouble with it.

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I feel like I was et by a coyote and shit over a cliff.

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One-third sap and two-thirds Eleanor.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
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I've Never Gone to Bed with an Ugly Woman

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When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him; but then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, well, no wonder you’re a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.

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Livin’ high on the hawg.

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Eatin’ long corn

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For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

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Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
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It's come a cloud.

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You need to dance with them what brung you.

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If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I’d try to stay near the back; that way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.

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It’s raining pitchforks and plowhandles.

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That's the Irish people all over – they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.

(1880 – 1964) Irish dramatist
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Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we’re not ready; but maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture.

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We didn't plan to take 'em to raise.

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His head is full of stump water.

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Quit bein’ ugly.

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I’ll wear you out till your hide won’t hold shucks.

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I was as surprised as if a sheep had bit me.

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Here’s a tip: if you ever decide to take apart a bird’s nest, to see how it’s made, first make sure it’s not somebody’s basket they got in South America.

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