Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 18)

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say “How do you figger that!” real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

Miscellaneous

People in hell want ice water, but that don’t mean they get it.

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If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

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When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

Miscellaneous

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.

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I’d shake his hand, but I think that’s what’s holding up his pants.

(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
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Mind that frayed cord – it’ll knock your pecker into yer watchpocket!

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I guess if I was starving to death I would eat a dog; but not a collie, because I don’t like the taste of collie.

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Chugged full.

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Bigger’n Dallas

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When old dogs bark, it's time to watch out.

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The dinner bell is always in tune.

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I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they’ll know this is someone else’s territory.

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Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

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The water was higher than a cat’s back.

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Gridlock Christmas

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Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra.

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He’s gone to hell in a hand basket.

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This gravy's so good, if you get it on your forehead your tongue's gonna slap your brains out!

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If you ever get some outer-space guy in a headlock, and his head starts throbbing and glowing different colors, don’t let go; that just means the headlock is working.

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Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

(1946 – ) American comedian
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