Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 2)

My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to; then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous

A faint heart never won a fair lady or stole a watermelon.

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Warmin’ over old soup

Miscellaneous

Not only was I not the best catcher in the major leagues, I wasn’t even the best catcher on my street.

(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host
Miscellaneous

I feel lower than a snake in snowshoes.

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But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
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He has to sneak up on water fountain to get a drink.

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Like a bug arguing with a chicken

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I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes.

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Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven; It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmm, boy.

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I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

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If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised… “Wait a minute! I thought WE won!”

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Lower than a snake in a wagon track.

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You didn’t pick up a crooked stick.

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The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

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Rain goes over her back to avoid her face.

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Steppin’ out

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A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
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Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?

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Tight as a tick

Miscellaneous