Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Miscellaneous
(Page 2)
My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to; then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.
Sarah Millican
(1975 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous
A faint heart never won a fair lady or stole a watermelon.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Warmin’ over old soup
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Reviving an old love
Not only was I not the best catcher in the major leagues, I wasn’t even the best catcher on my street.
Joe Garagiola
(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host
Miscellaneous
Referring to childhood neighbor ‘Yogi’ Berra
I feel lower than a snake in snowshoes.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous
He has to sneak up on water fountain to get a drink.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Like a bug arguing with a chicken
Country expression
Miscellaneous
A pointless exercise
Other expressions
Useless
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes.
Miscellaneous
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
Miscellaneous
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven; It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmm, boy.
Miscellaneous
I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
Miscellaneous
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised… “Wait a minute! I thought WE won!”
Miscellaneous
Lower than a snake in a wagon track.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Lowdown
Other expressions
Unfair
You didn’t pick up a crooked stick.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
You picked a good mate
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
Miscellaneous
Rain goes over her back to avoid her face.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Steppin’ out
Country definition
Miscellaneous
Cheating on a spouse or relationship
Other expressions
Seeing someone else
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
Kristen Schaal
(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous
Kiss
Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?
Miscellaneous
Tight as a tick
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Page 2 of 75
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