Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 27)

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Speaker: I have only ten minutes and hardly know where to begin.

Voice in the back: Begin at the ninth.

Couldn't run a bath!

No News, Or What Killed The Dog

If my dog was ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

Just cause trouble comes visiting doesn't mean you have to offer it a place to sit down.

Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.

It's hotter than Georgia asphalt.

She can burn water.

With every new sunrise, there is a new chance; but with every sunset, you blew it.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

I'll knock you so hard you'll see tomorrow today.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote,” so right before I die I could say “unquote.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You’d call an alligator a lizard.

Fortune for reading only. Do not eat.

Slower than a Sunday afternoon.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus ‘cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them into chronological order.

Steppin’ out

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

(Ask Amy) (1959 – ) American advice columnist