Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 29)

Took the preachers seat

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You look the south end of a north bound cow.

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I’ll show you where the bear sat in the buckwheat.

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He's as mad as a wet hen.

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Them that don’t work, don’t eat.

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If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I’d tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I’d look.

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Jesus Loves Me But He Can’t Stand You

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Shut the light.

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I’m just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call “image fuzz-out,” but I’ve never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn’t totally go by what I’ve just said here.

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It’s funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you’ll do whatever anybody tells you to.

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Busted two sets of knee caps

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Someday I would like to make a movie that makes people laugh and makes people cry, and then makes them leave the theater in a quick and orderly manner so that others may come in.

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They never could set horses.

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I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.

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The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor. Sorry, he said with a smile.

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If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

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Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy… forget it, little friend.

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Good Heavenly Days!

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Nobody here but us chickens.

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I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus ‘cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
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