Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 3)

He wouldn't go to a funeral unless he could be the corpse.

Miscellaneous

Shit fire and save matches

Miscellaneous

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

Miscellaneous

Mites stay on a chicken’s ass.

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I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo, I’d have all my money back.

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If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, what a Merry Christmas we’d have.

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I'm so hungry, my stomach is gnawing on my backbone!

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I’m just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call “image fuzz-out,” but I’ve never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn’t totally go by what I’ve just said here.

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Don’t go off with your pistol half cocked.

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Couldn't hit her in the butt with a red apple.

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You don’t have to have a long neck to be a goose.

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Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

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No, it’s liquid sunshine.

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He/She’s got teeth like a rake.

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Longer than a visit from my mother in law.

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It’s funny how annoyed people get when you carry a bullhorn around all the time, even if you don’t use it that often.

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Faster than a scalded dog

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He looked like Death sucking a sponge.

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How long is a piece of string?

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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

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He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection; I guess that’s what I hated about him.

Miscellaneous