Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 30)

You’d call an alligator a lizard.

Miscellaneous

Since smoking might injure your health, let’s be careful not to smoke too much.

Miscellaneous

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Miscellaneous

If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Miscellaneous

The Old Home Fill ’Er Up And Keep On Truckin’ Cafe

Miscellaneous

He's as happy as if he had good sense.

Miscellaneous

I’ll show you where the bear sat in the buckwheat.

Miscellaneous

You Done The Wrong Woman Wrong

Miscellaneous

I don’t do quagmires.

(1932 – ) American businessman & U.S. Secretary of Defense
Miscellaneous

You could grow potatoes in those dirty ears.

Miscellaneous

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage; I take that as a compliment.

Miscellaneous

Lower than a snake in a wagon track.

Miscellaneous

I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

Miscellaneous

A shallow brook is noisiest.

Miscellaneous

As stubborn as a blue-nose mule and as busy as a cranberry merchant.

Miscellaneous

I’m not going to make the same mistake once.

(1937 – ) American actor, producer, screenwriter & director
Miscellaneous

I’m so poor that if it cost a nickle to go around the world, I couldn’t get out of sight.

Miscellaneous

There are no requests for jugglers – only ‘Don’t juggle!’

Miscellaneous

Dumber than a sack full of hammers.

Miscellaneous

Peter Marshall: Helen Gurley Brown recently said of Henry Kissinger, "His most outstanding endearing quality is his ability to make someone feel…" Feel what?

Jan Murray: His thighs.

(1916 - 2006) American stand-up comedian, actor & game show host
Miscellaneous

Some people think that drinking and driving is wrong… and I call these people the cops; sometimes you don’t have a choice, though… those kids gotta get to school.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Miscellaneous