Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 30)

Slow as an iron toad

Miscellaneous

That's so good it would make a puppy pull a freight train.

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He’s so ugly, he’s gotta sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

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When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.”

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Who put a bee in her bonnet?

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Oh for crying in the bucket.

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Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you’re not supposed to drink and drive?

(1946 – ) American comedian
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The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

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… as clumsy as a blind dog in a meat house.

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80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper

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The water won’t clear till you get the hogs out of the creek.

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I used to carry a rabbit’s foot for luck… then it was a monkey’s paw.. now it’s a camel’s toe.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
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No bigger than the little end of nothin’ whittled down to a fine point.

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One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.

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Chew the bark off

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Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

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You need to count your fingers after shaking hands with him.

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Whenever I need to ‘get away,’ I just get away in my mind; I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect; the only bad thing there are the flies… they’re terrible!

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Turn the truth

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He couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.

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He wouldn’t holler sooey if the hogs was eatin’ em.

Miscellaneous