Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 37)

Sober as a judge

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Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope.

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Going ninety to nothin'

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Does a snake have hips?

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Where are all the Sour Patch parents?

American comedian
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Slow as pond water.

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I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" and I answered, "It's a Boys."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
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Purty as a picture

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Don't get your tit in a ringer!

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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

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Tricky, isn’t it, if you’re both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

(1964 – ) English comedian
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Have to piss like a Russian race horse.

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Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad, and theology makes them sinful.”

(1483 – 1546) German monk, Catholic priest & professor of theology
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Busier than a one eyed cat watching three mice holes.

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Rough as a cob

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I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes.

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I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

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He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection; I guess that’s what I hated about him.

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I’d like to see a movie where a guy is going to die when the sand runs out of an hourglass, but then at the last minute an ant stops the sand from running out. Then the rest of the movie is about the ant.

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The fly in the ointment.

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So tight you can hear him squeak when he walks

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