Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 39)

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon… but it never really took off.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

Busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin' contest.

Miscellaneous

Peter Marshall: Olivia De Havilland once sat on something in a movie that Roy Rogers says he grew to love. What is it?

Paul Lynde: A box of Milk Duds.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Miscellaneous

Crazy as a sack of bees.

Miscellaneous

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Miscellaneous

I bet what happened was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

Miscellaneous

I went to see a hypnotist the other night and I really enjoyed myself, which made me suspicious…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Miscellaneous

He is just a hole in search of donut.

Miscellaneous

A mule can’t help it if his daddy is a jackass.

Miscellaneous

Prettier than a blue-nosed mule.

Miscellaneous

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

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I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

Not particularly handsome

Miscellaneous

Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

Miscellaneous

Can't get blood from a turnip.

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It's so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.

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Lupus,  Missouri

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You don't have the sense God gave a chigger.

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If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

Miscellaneous

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

Miscellaneous