Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 41)

He’s like a bad penny.

Miscellaneous

I'll slap you nekkid and hide your clothes.

Miscellaneous

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: never repeat yourself.

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If it was raining soup, he'd be out in the yard with a fork.

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If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

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One-third sap and two-thirds Eleanor.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Miscellaneous

Practical Demonkeeping


Miscellaneous

You’re about as grateful as a toothache.

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I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus ‘cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

I organized my stuff and put it in boxes… then I put labels on each of the boxes; now I have a box full of razor blades labeled “Plan B.”

American comedian
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Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.

(1894 – 1963) English writer
Characteristics Miscellaneous

Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

Vanderbilt football coach
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We’ve had to get a live-in nanny, ‘cos that dead one wasn’t working out.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground; now that’s a documentary!

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I wish a robot would get elected president; that way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

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Lying like a snake in the grass.

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Beard,  West Virginia

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Here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go “Whoa! Whoa!” and flail your arms around, like you’re going to fall in.

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The ox is in the ditch.

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She’s totin’ the high leg.

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Now that’ll throw yer hat in the creek.

Miscellaneous