Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 41)

Not blessed with beauty…

Miscellaneous

I was sad, because I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet; so, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan’t using them!

Miscellaneous

My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!

(1922 – 1991) American comedian
Miscellaneous

Girlfriend Calling You Fat? You Probably Are. Ride Bike

Miscellaneous

I bet Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Miscellaneous

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past… one had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

(1930 – 2007) English comedian & nightclub owner
Miscellaneous Wordplay

If you want your dreams to come true, don’t sleep.

Miscellaneous

Mean enough to charge hell with a quart of ice water.

Miscellaneous

You are about as grateful as a toothache.

Miscellaneous

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Miscellaneous

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

Miscellaneous

As stubborn as a blue-nose mule and as busy as a cranberry merchant.

Miscellaneous

She’s so poor she ain’t got two nickels to rub together.

Miscellaneous

Hotter than Satan’s housecat.

Miscellaneous

It’s easy to sit and scoff at an old man’s folly… but also, check out his Adam’s apple!

Miscellaneous

Don't gobble in the woods during hunting season.

Miscellaneous

He could go bear hunting with a switch.

Miscellaneous

I was Caesarean born; you can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous Self

It’s funny how annoyed people get when you carry a bullhorn around all the time, even if you don’t use it that often.

Miscellaneous

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

Miscellaneous

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Miscellaneous