Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 41)

When I think of all the hours and hours of my life I have spent watching television, it makes me realize, Man, I am really rich with television.

Miscellaneous

He was wound up tighter ‘en a bango string.

Miscellaneous

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say.

Miscellaneous

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, within reason; when I asked her what she meant by within reason, she said that I ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.

Miscellaneous

No more sense than last year’s bird nest.

Miscellaneous

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

American actress, comedian, writer & musician
Miscellaneous

Like a peach-orchard bull

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I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died; ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

In the first castles, I bet a common mistake was putting the torture room next to the master bedroom. Boy, you’re just not going to get good sleep that way.

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To beat the band

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About as useful as buttons on a dishrag

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… I hadn’t the heart to touch my breakfast; I told Jeeves to drink it himself.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
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Like a buzzard in a tree waiting for a mule to die

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Nobody here but us chickens.

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He’s as poor as Job’s turkey.

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One good thing about hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.

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Children need encouragement: if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

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He's nuttier than a squirrel shit.

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It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: the Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
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If you put his brain in a gnat's butt, it would fly backwards.

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Right as rain.

Miscellaneous