Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 43)

Rest your coat.

Miscellaneous

Some people think that drinking and driving is wrong… and I call these people the cops; sometimes you don’t have a choice, though… those kids gotta get to school.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Miscellaneous

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost and people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Miscellaneous People Self

Tell a story

Miscellaneous

She looked like death eating a cracker.

Miscellaneous

It was so good it would have brought tears to a glass eye.

Miscellaneous

like trying to herd cats

Miscellaneous

A trace of the uppity

Miscellaneous

Give a man a fish and it will feed him for a day, give the man a fishing rod and he will sell it for more fish, or burn it for firewood.

(1968 – ) English impressionist & comedian
Miscellaneous Proverbs

When I shake hands with a man, the first thing I do is look him right in the eye. Then I start poking my hand around in the air, like I can’t find his hand. Then, if the guy’s still there, I finally shake it.

Miscellaneous

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it’s some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!

Miscellaneous

Mind that frayed cord – it’ll knock your pecker into yer watchpocket!

Miscellaneous

Always… no wait… never…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

Make Me Late For Work Today

Miscellaneous

A face like a well slapped ass.

Miscellaneous

It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

Miscellaneous

(I Keep) Throwing Good Love After Bad

Miscellaneous

I'll slap you to sleep, then slap you for sleepin.

Miscellaneous

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like “no he didn’t, clearly there was a struggle”.

American comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

Dumb as a sack of doorknobs

Miscellaneous

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes.

Miscellaneous