Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 49)

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

Miscellaneous

Wouldn’t say soo-ee if the pigs were eating him

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Show your linen

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You ain’t worth a plug nickel.

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Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

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I’m so mad I could eat barbed wire and spit nails.

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I’ve always been bad at spelling – not sure whether it’s nature or nurture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
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Up shit creek without a paddle

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The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother… they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

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That dog won't hunt.

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Sat there like a bump on a log.

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Crying like a pine knot in a sawmill.

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To beat the band

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If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, “Can’t you make it shoot farther?” “No, I’m sorry. That’s as far as it shoots.”

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My grandfather invented the cold air balloon… but it never really took off.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

Like a buzzard in a tree waiting for a mule to die

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I’d like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he’s applying for the loan he’s still real smart-alecky.

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I’ve got no dog in that fight.

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Happy as a pig in Palestine.

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Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands… all the rest of you… if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.

(1940 – 1980) English rock musician, singer & songwriter
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I guess I’ll never forget her. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.

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