Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Miscellaneous
(Page 51)
The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample – they might need it; better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too.
Miscellaneous
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”
Miscellaneous
Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Don’t make statements that you can’t back up
Other expressions
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
Miscellaneous
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of Conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it… so sue me.”
Miscellaneous
One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.
Miscellaneous
When I shake hands with a man, the first thing I do is look him right in the eye. Then I start poking my hand around in the air, like I can’t find his hand. Then, if the guy’s still there, I finally shake it.
Miscellaneous
Between you me and the gatepost…
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Keep in confidence
Other expressions
Drunk as Cooter Brown
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Drunk
Other expressions
Show your linen
Country definition
Miscellaneous
Exposing intimate apparel
Other expressions
Like a rooster in an empty henhouse
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta, grow up.
Miscellaneous
Bumpin’ yer gums!
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
People will be able to see to Christmas.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
To a girl wearing too short a skirt
That girl’s meaner than cuss!
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Mean
Other expressions
If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
Miscellaneous
If she were an inch taller she'd be round.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Overweight
Hangin’ in there like a hair in a biscuit.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Adhering closely
Determination
Other expressions
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Anonymous
Miscellaneous
Crooked as a cork screw.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Dishonest
Other expressions
I swaney, Mama shoulda named me Grace.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
When one does something clumsy
Page 51 of 75
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