Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 51)

The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample – they might need it; better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too.

Miscellaneous

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

Miscellaneous

Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.

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If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of Conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it… so sue me.”

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One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

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When I shake hands with a man, the first thing I do is look him right in the eye. Then I start poking my hand around in the air, like I can’t find his hand. Then, if the guy’s still there, I finally shake it.

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Between you me and the gatepost…

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Drunk as Cooter Brown

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Show your linen

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Like a rooster in an empty henhouse

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Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta, grow up.

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Bumpin’ yer gums!

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People will be able to see to Christmas.

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That girl’s meaner than cuss!

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If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

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If she were an inch taller she'd be round.

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Hangin’ in there like a hair in a biscuit.

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Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

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Crooked as a cork screw.

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I swaney, Mama shoulda named me Grace.

Miscellaneous