Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 51)

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we’re not ready; but maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture.

Looks like you came to a goat’s house for wool!

Grandma, Show Us Your Tattoos

Couldn't hit her in the butt with a red apple.

How long is a piece of string?

Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Me?

If you can paint a really good picture of a cow, you don’t have to write the word “cow” under it.

(1896 – 1985) U.S. senator (North Carolina)

Instead of past, present, and future, I’d prefer chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

That’s the worst taste I’ve had in my mouth with the lights on!

Slow as an iron toad

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can’t hypnotize you.

Witch Doctor

He's ugly enough to scare the buzzards off a gut wagon.

Every tub has to sit on it’s own bottom.

He was wound up tighter ‘en a bango string.

With every new sunrise, there is a new chance; but with every sunset, you blew it.

She Broken My Heart, So I Broke His Jaw

… like a turd in the punchbowl

Mind that frayed cord – it’ll knock your pecker into yer watchpocket!

Hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sock!