Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 51)

The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample – they might need it; better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of Conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it… so sue me.”

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

When I shake hands with a man, the first thing I do is look him right in the eye. Then I start poking my hand around in the air, like I can’t find his hand. Then, if the guy’s still there, I finally shake it.

Between you me and the gatepost…

Drunk as Cooter Brown

Show your linen

Like a rooster in an empty henhouse

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta, grow up.

Bumpin’ yer gums!

People will be able to see to Christmas.

That girl’s meaner than cuss!

If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If she were an inch taller she'd be round.

Hangin’ in there like a hair in a biscuit.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Crooked as a cork screw.

I swaney, Mama shoulda named me Grace.