Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 53)

He is ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.

Miscellaneous

Life is a constant battle between the heart and the brain; but guess who wins… the skeleton.

Miscellaneous

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.

Miscellaneous

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, what a Merry Christmas we’d have.

Miscellaneous

That gumbo will make a Chihuahua break a chain.

Miscellaneous

Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous

He don’t use his kindlin’ to get a fire started.

Miscellaneous

Right as rain.

Miscellaneous

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

Miscellaneous

I wanted wine, women and song… I got a drunk woman singing.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous

Give a man a fish and it will feed him for a day, give the man a fishing rod and he will sell it for more fish, or burn it for firewood.

(1968 – ) English impressionist & comedian
Miscellaneous Proverbs

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

Miscellaneous

Like a calf in clover

Miscellaneous

Like a martin to his gourd

Miscellaneous

He is just a hole in search of donut.

Miscellaneous

Slow as pond water.

Miscellaneous

People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn’t the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. “No, you idiot,” I said, “that’s my house.”

Miscellaneous

The water won’t clear till you get the hogs out of the creek.

Miscellaneous

Boy, I will walk a mud hole in you and stomp it dry.

Miscellaneous

Warning to all outer-space guys: you can capture me and put me in your “space zoo” if you like, but I will sit way in the back of my cage, where it’s hard to see me; and when I do come out, I won’t be wearing any pants.

Miscellaneous

Like a dose of salts through a widow woman.

Miscellaneous