Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 53)

Peter Marshall: Helen Gurley Brown recently said of Henry Kissinger, "His most outstanding endearing quality is his ability to make someone feel…" Feel what?

Jan Murray: His thighs.

(1916 - 2006) American stand-up comedian, actor & game show host

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

She’s so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

I would like to buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

I am going to jerk a knot in your tail.

Ain’t got both oars in the water

We didn't plan to take 'em to raise.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: never repeat yourself.

Turn of the sun

Don’t keep reaching for the stars because you’ll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be “Prince of Weasels”, because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, “What the – ?” And then they would recognize me, and go, “Oh, it’s you, the Prince of Weasels.”

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes; after that, who cares? … he’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

Bumpin’ yer gums!

Basket name

A hangdog look

I've sallyjacked the potato salad.

He wants the earth and the moon with two strands of bob wire around it – and it white washed.

If you’re ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then, as you go along, get better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.

Tall hog at the trough