Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Miscellaneous
(Page 53)
Peter Marshall: Helen Gurley Brown recently said of Henry Kissinger, "His most outstanding endearing quality is his ability to make someone feel…" Feel what?
Jan Murray: His thighs.
Jan Murray
(1916 - 2006) American stand-up comedian, actor & game show host
Miscellaneous
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?
Peter Kay
(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Miscellaneous
Alcoholics Anonymous
She’s so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
I would like to buy him for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Ego
Other expressions
Self-important
I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
I am going to jerk a knot in your tail.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
A threat
Other expressions
Ain’t got both oars in the water
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other euphemisms
Other expressions
We didn't plan to take 'em to raise.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Anonymous
Said of someone who has overstayed their welcome
He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: never repeat yourself.
Anonymous
Miscellaneous
Turn of the sun
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Noon
Other expressions
Don’t keep reaching for the stars because you’ll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.
Jimmy Fallon
(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host
Miscellaneous
Reaching for the stars
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be “Prince of Weasels”, because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, “What the – ?” And then they would recognize me, and go, “Oh, it’s you, the Prince of Weasels.”
Miscellaneous
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes; after that, who cares? … he’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
Billy Connolly
(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Miscellaneous
Bumpin’ yer gums!
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Basket name
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Pet name of a child prior to Christening
A hangdog look
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Looking sad or pitiful
Other expressions
I've sallyjacked the potato salad.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
I've made too much potato salad
Other expressions
He wants the earth and the moon with two strands of bob wire around it – and it white washed.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Greed
Never satisfied
Other expressions
If you’re ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then, as you go along, get better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.
Miscellaneous
Tall hog at the trough
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Important
Other expressions
The top dog
Page 53 of 75
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