Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 59)

Children need encouragement: if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Miscellaneous

There is only one immutable law in life – in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

(1926 – 2009) Irish dramatist, television writer & essayist
Miscellaneous

Born short and slapped down flat

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This ain't my first rodeo.

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Show your linen

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Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.

(1946 – ) American comedian
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If i was feelin any better i'd give five dollars for a good headache.

Miscellaneous

You've heard the saying that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time a mousetrap snaps, an angel gets set on fire.

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I’m not sure I want to get the nickname “The Love Machine,” because how does that affect my nickname now, which is “The Lawn-Cutting Machine?”

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I’d shake his hand, but I think that’s what’s holding up his pants.

(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
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One-third sap and two-thirds Eleanor.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
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Ain't that the berries!

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Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly.

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Peter Marshall: Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully… "We work together, we pray together and we're darn good…" What?

Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
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Pretty as you please

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He won’t hit a lick at a snake.

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You don't have the sense God gave a gnat.

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Who died and left the gate open?

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I don’t know who St. Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.

(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
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If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

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Tougher than a one-eared alley cat.

Miscellaneous