Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 65)

Greener than goose shit

Miscellaneous

You’re not worth the gunpowder it’ll take to blow you away.

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If that boy had a good idea it would die of loneliness.

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Longer than a visit from my mother in law.

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Well I’ll be John Brown.

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You need to count your fingers after shaking hands with him.

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He's only got one oar in the water.

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I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

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Cow Imagination

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It’s raining like pouring piss out of a boot.

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Stick with me and you'll be wearing silk underwear.

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If you’re an archaeologist, I bet it’s real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it’s not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

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Here’s a tip: if you ever decide to take apart a bird’s nest, to see how it’s made, first make sure it’s not somebody’s basket they got in South America.

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The eleventh commandment; “Thou shalt not be found out,” is the only one that is virtually impossible to keep these days.

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If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

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In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
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I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that he was really my grandfather and the other guy was an impostor and to run for help.

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I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out.

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Warmin’ over old soup

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He would steal the shitball from a blind tumblebug, give him a marble and put him on the wrong road home.

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If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that’s what he’s getting.

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