Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 66)

You’re like the dog that caught the car.

Miscellaneous

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something?

Miscellaneous

Don't call him a cowboy, till you've seen him ride.

Miscellaneous

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

Miscellaneous

He would steal the shitball from a blind tumblebug, give him a marble and put him on the wrong road home.

Miscellaneous

It’s hotter than the hinges of Hell.

Miscellaneous

Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Girdler,  Kentucky

Miscellaneous

She has a butt like a forty-dollar mule.

Miscellaneous

So hungry my belly thinks my throat's been cut.

Miscellaneous

I went to see a hypnotist the other night and I really enjoyed myself, which made me suspicious…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Miscellaneous

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

Miscellaneous

I don’t know her from Adam’s house cat.

Miscellaneous

He’s so ugly he has to slap himself to sleep.

Miscellaneous

If you can't beat ‘em join ‘em, and if you can’t join ‘em beat ‘em.

Miscellaneous

That's the Irish people all over – they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.

(1880 – 1964) Irish dramatist
Miscellaneous

He’s so chincy, he can call his every dollar by its first name.

Frugal Miscellaneous Money

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

Miscellaneous

Spread the table.

Miscellaneous

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.

Miscellaneous

There is hope as long as your fishing-line is in the water.

Miscellaneous Proverbs