Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 68)

Wilder than a March hare

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I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

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To put the spit on the apple.

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She couldn't keep her dress down.

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He’s so slippery he’d hold his own in a pond full of eels.

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Probably one of the worst things about being a genie in a magic lamp is a little thing called “lamp stench.”

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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage; I take that as a compliment.

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I feel lower than a snake in snowshoes.

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I love you a bushel and a peck.

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There is still time to save the face; later we will be forced to save some other parts of a body.

(1938 – 2010) Russian politician
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If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

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I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!

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Colder than a stepmother’s kiss

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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our ‘friend.’

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He looks like he stepped out of a bandbox.

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The Quotable A**hole

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Were you raised in a barn?

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Some people think that drinking and driving is wrong… and I call these people the cops; sometimes you don’t have a choice, though… those kids gotta get to school.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
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Here’s a suggestion for a new animal; if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.

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If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

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