Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 69)

Fair to middlin’

Miscellaneous

I spoke to her and she didn't say pea turkey squat.

Miscellaneous

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

Miscellaneous

Not only was I not the best catcher in the major leagues, I wasn’t even the best catcher on my street.

(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host
Miscellaneous

Get a hump on

Miscellaneous

The overhead projector has done more to destroy learning than any other thing I can think of.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Miscellaneous

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.

Miscellaneous

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

American comedian & writer
Miscellaneous

He’s so tight when he blinks his eyes his toe’s curl up.

Miscellaneous

If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I’d tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I’d look.

Miscellaneous

Girlfriend Calling You Fat? You Probably Are. Ride Bike

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The fly in the ointment.

Miscellaneous

It’s funny how annoyed people get when you carry a bullhorn around all the time, even if you don’t use it that often.

Miscellaneous

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Miscellaneous

He’s got a tough row to hoe

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Would you raise that winder down! I'm freezin' my tail off!

Miscellaneous

I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they found fragments of human bones! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?

Miscellaneous

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.

Miscellaneous

Children need encouragement: if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Miscellaneous

Snake the kivvers

Miscellaneous

He’s so tight you could shove a quarter up his ass and he’d grind it into a dime.

Miscellaneous