Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 7)

Ready with his hat and slow with his money.

I’m gonna tan your hide.

I’m on it like cheese on grits!

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something?

You need to dance with them what brung you.

Well, shoot me for a billygoat.

He looks like something the cat drug in and the dog wouldn't eat.

Tell a story

Slower than a bread wagon with biscuit wheels.

He’s three limbs up a willa.

He’s a good ol’ dog, but sometimes he sh*ts to close to the porch.

He could talk a dog off a meat wagon.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

Well, slap my head and call me silly.

I wouldn't speak to her if I met her in hell and she was carrying a big lump of ice.

He gets Tuesday’s paper on Friday.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes; after that, who cares? … he’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off; you see, we build to that.

Turn the truth

He has a face made for radio.