Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 70)

Busted two sets of knee caps

Miscellaneous

Well I’ll be John Brown.

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Well, that puts the tassel on the cap.

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I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

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If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

(Ask Amy) (1959 – ) American advice columnist
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You don't have the sense God gave a gnat.

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Madder than’ a wampus cat

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Hornier than a two pecker'd billy goat on a hill full of ninnies.

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Watch him; he'll slip a baby copperhead in your pocket, then ask you for a light.

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Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat; both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.

(1956 – ) American comedian
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I’m just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call “image fuzz-out,” but I’ve never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn’t totally go by what I’ve just said here.

Miscellaneous

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven; It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmm, boy.

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Give a man a fish and it will feed him for a day, give the man a fishing rod and he will sell it for more fish, or burn it for firewood.

(1968 – ) English impressionist & comedian
Miscellaneous Proverbs

Tight as a tick

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She don’t have the sense God gave a gopher.

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If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you.

Miscellaneous

The Origin of Feces: What Excrement Tells Us about Evolution, Ecology, and a Sustainable Society

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I’m so poor that if it cost a nickle to go around the world, I couldn’t get out of sight.

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I’m on it like cheese on grits!

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He wouldn't go to a funeral unless he could be the corpse.

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If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, “Congratulations, it’s a girl,” I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, “A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!” and point to another father.

Miscellaneous