Subject: Money (Page 21)

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

I went to counseling, spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.

(1957 – ) American comedian

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

If you want to know what God thinks of money, you only have to look at those to whom he gives it.

(1874 – 1945) English writer, translator & war correspondent

Negotiating: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands – and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with.

Charles Farrar Browne (1834 – 1867) humorist

We were so poor we had to eat dough for breakfast and sit out in the sun for lunch!

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian

I always invest in companies an idiot could run, because one day one will.

(1930 – ) financier & investment businessman

When you get something for nothing, you just haven't been billed for it yet.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

Money doesn’t talk, it swears.

(1941 – ) American singer & songwriter

Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than at reading them.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

(1883 – 1946) English economist

I forgot how expensive this town is; checking into the hotel this morning, I literally had to give the bellhop $10 just for taking my tip.

American comedian & writer

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn't be enough to go around.

(1902 – 1983) Australian novelist & short-story writer