Subject: Money (Page 23)

A consultant is someone who, when hired to find out what time it is, borrows your watch to find out.

Money Murphy’s Laws

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Money Situations

Never criticize Americans… they have the best taste that money can buy.

(1941 – 2008) British journalist, musician &broadcaster
America Characteristics Money Opinion People Places

Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Money Wealth

Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Money People

President Bush has just one question for the American voters: is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were 4 years ago?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
America Money

You can't get rich sitting on the bench, but I'm giving it a try.

professional baseball player
Baseball Money Sports

A wedding invitation is sent by people who have been saying, “Do we have to ask them?” to people whose first response is, “How much do you think we have to spend on them?”

(1938 – ) journalist, columnist (Miss Manners)
Money People

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Money

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Life Money

When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money.

Charles Farrar Browne (1834 – 1867) humorist
Money

Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

Lerman's Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

Money Murphy’s Laws Problems Time

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

A high paying rush job comes in only after you've committed to a low paying rush job.

Money Murphy’s Laws Work

To supplement my income, I sell furniture on the side… I'm down to my couch now.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Money

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Money

Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Money

No Taxes… let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Money Taxes

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time.

(1924 – 1997) Dutch-American artist
Money Poverty Time

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

People are still willing to do an honest day's work; the trouble is they want a week's pay for it.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Money Time Work