Subject: Money (Page 24)

The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Government Money Murphy’s Laws Taxes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Money Science/Weather

People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.

(1925 – 1980) British comedian & actor
Money

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

(1918 – 2007) American humor writer
Government Money Taxes

She makes pancakes so thin they’ve got just one side to them.

Expressions Food/Drink Frugal Money

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Health Money

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Age Food/Drink Money Old

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

Money Time

It’s better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Money

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian
Marriage Money Shopping Wives

The first million is the hardest.

(1928 – 2019) American business magnate a&d financier
Money

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Money

I'll say this for adversity: people seem to be able to stand it, and that's more than I can say for prosperity.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Money Problems

The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Money

The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Animals Money

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

(1870 – 1916) British writer
Money

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Food/Drink Money

Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?

British actor, comedian & writer
Money People Wealth

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Alcohol Money Women

When the last great scorer comes to mark against your name, it’s not whether you won or lost, but how many paid to see the game.

baseball executive
Money Sports

Ransom notes.

(1935 – 2012) American football player, sports announcer & actor
Communication Money Reading/Writing