Subject: Money (Page 27)

You might be a redneck if… you own a Waffle House credit card.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Money People Rednecks

Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by five or ten.

Money Murphy’s Laws

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around encouraging young things to grow.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright
Money

Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Wealth

After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.

Money Murphy’s Laws Work

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

Because you are feeding both the child and the floor, raising this child will be expensive.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Food/Drink Money

The best investment opportunities are encountered when you are broke.

Money Murphy’s Laws

Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Food/Drink Money

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Government Money

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Money

After what happened to my 401k, my new retirement plan is the Rapture.

American comedian
Money

When a man says money can do anything… he hasn't got any.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Money

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Money Sex

By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Money Murphy’s Laws Time

I’m not a paranoid deranged millionaire; Goddammit, I’m a billionaire.

(1905 – 1976) industrialist, aviator, engineer, film producer & philanthropist
Money People Self

The pain goes away on payday.

(1902 – 1975) comedian, actor & member of The Three Stooges
Acting Entertainment Money

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Money People Things

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions – he had money, too.

(1925 – 2013) British prime minister & politician
Memory Money

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Money

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return; it's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Characteristics Honesty Money