Subject: Money (Page 3)

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor
Money Things Wealth

Whenever you hear the word save, it is usually the beginning of an advertisement designed to make you spend money.

Communication Language Money

If you’re wondering if you have enough money to take the family out to eat tonight, you don’t.

(1917 – 1994) American writer
Money

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Happiness Life Marriage People Poverty Wealth

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money Places

Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Money

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Money Science/Weather Work

Keep up with the Grabowskis… you'll never make enough to keep up with the Joneses.

Money Murphy’s Laws

Stand-Up [comedy] is a lot like sex; there's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Entertainment Money Sex

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Money Things

The fastest way to meet new people is to pick up somebody else's change at a cocktail bar.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Money People

Scientists who dislike the restraints of highly organized research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment – a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain… but they quote this maxim more often at academic banquets than at budget hearings.

Money Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Money

You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer
Golf Money Sports Wives

He was so cheap, for example, that when Mary asked for diamonds for her birthday he bought her two of them… the eight and the queen.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Frugal Money

Invest in inflation… it’s the only thing going up.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Money

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Money Wealth Wives

Money – the one thing that keeps us in touch with our children.

(1948 – ) English writer, broadcaster, actor & politician
Children Family Money

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Money