Subject: Money (Page 31)

I was once so broke I forgot whether you cut steak with a knife or drank it with a spoon.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.

(1918 – 1986) American lyricist

Upper Crust: People stuck together by their dough.

He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

(1956 – ) American comedian

All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays and those who aren’t respectable live beyond other peoples’.

(1870 – 1916) British writer

Rule No.1: Never lose money, Rule No.2: Never forget rule No.1.

(1930 – ) financier & investment businessman

Today it takes more brains and effort to make out the income tax form than it does to make the income.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Anyone who has ever struggled with poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist

The most expensive component is the one that breaks.

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions – he had money, too.

(1925 – 2013) British prime minister & politician

In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.

I don’t mind the high price of stardom, I just don’t like the high price of mediocrity.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter

Gold Digger: A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test.

A sign of celebrity is that his name is often worth more than his services.

(1914 – ) historian

It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Reparation: Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Las Vegas is the oasis of outstretched palms.

English boxing journalist & commentator

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author