Subject: Money (Page 8)

Today it takes more brains and effort to make out the income tax form than it does to make the income.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Money frees you from doing things you dislike; since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I need money… I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Girls just want to have funds.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays and those who aren’t respectable live beyond other peoples’.

(1870 – 1916) British writer

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

We were so poor, every Christmas Eve my old man would go outside and shoot his gun, then come in and tell us kids Santa Claus had committed suicide.

(1921 – ) American boxing champion

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

(1918 – 2007) American humor writer

Sex is like money; only too much is enough.

(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

(1934 – ) comedian

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

BREAKING: Mitt Romney will embark on a three-nation foreign trip to visit his money.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.

(1918 – 1986) American lyricist

If you’re wondering if you have enough money to take the family out to eat tonight, you don’t.

(1917 – 1994) American writer