Subject: People (Page 10)

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

Personally, I don't like a girlfriend to have a husband… if she'll fool her husband, I figure she'll fool me.

(1866 – 1946) English author
Girlfriends Relationships

A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
People Problems

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Animals Cats People Women

I think the homeless have it pretty good because 98% of deadly accidents happen inside the home.

(1982 – ) American stand-up comedian
Accidents People Problems

Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Mistakes People

Bore: A person who deprives you with solitude without providing company.


Definitions People

You might be a redneck if… Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

Everybody and his dog was there.

Expressions People

That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
People Women

All my life affection has been showered on me, and every forward step I have made has been taken in spite of it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
People Self Success

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children Conflict People

Nixon impeached himself; he gave us Gerald Ford as his revenge.

(1920 – 1998) lawyer, congresswoman, & women's movement activist
Government People

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Appearance Hair People

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.

(1924 – ) Canadian writer
Communication People Self

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the happy wish to be married, the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Marriage People Wealth

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Animals Dogs Men People

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

You might be a redneck if… you think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

Receptionist: How do you write women so well?

Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

(1937 – ) American actor
People TV/Movie Quotes Women