Subject: People (Page 106)

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

The hardest thing to stop is a temporary chairman.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People Situations

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
People

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

(1894 – 1963) English writer
Death People

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gassing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites, whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Emotions Happiness Love People Women

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Relationships Women

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws People Stupidity

My husband's penis is like a semicolon… I can't remember what it's for and I never use it anyway.

British comedian
Family People Sex

All the world loves a good loser.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Housework People

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

It's our fault… we should have given him better parts.

(1892 – 1978) Canadian-American film producer (Warner Brothers)
Acting Government People

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions People

There's no such thing as a feminist – just women who pay for their own breast implants.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
People

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Age Friends People Self

You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

A man will fantasize that he’s having sex with someone else; a woman will fantasize she’s having sex with anyone else.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Men People Sex Women

Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Self TV/Movie Quotes

The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.

(1918 – 1986) American lyricist
Money People Women