Subject: People (Page 109)

I'll tell you why — because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay — that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Money People Women

Employees who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

(1936 – 2005) Irish comedian
People

You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Fathers People Rednecks

You might be a redneck if… you've ever heard the phrase "come and move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

No man goes before his time… unless the boss leaves early.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Individuals People Time Work

Every crowd has a silver lining.

(1810 – 1891) American politician, showman & businessman
Money People

Many persons have difficulty remembering what President Franklin Pierce is best remembered for, and he is therefore probably best forgotten.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
People

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope; then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics People

It’s weird to hear a girl laugh when I’m not making love to her.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Laughter People Self Sex

Winners tell funny stories; losers holler "Deal!"

Murphy’s Laws People

A Frenchwoman, when double-crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover; the Englishwoman simply breaks off relations – but they all will console themselves with another man.

(1899 – 1978) French actor
England People Places Relationships

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

You always know when he's ready for sex, ’cause naked, he looked like one of them butterball turkeys with the little pop-up timer.

Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat People Sex

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Individuals Money People

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Characteristics People

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing Men People

You know what the average person is?… average.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

It’s a great shock at the age of five or six to find that in a world of Gary Coopers you are the Indian.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist
Appearance People

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats People Self

I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both; well, I’m not black – but if I was then I could dance better.

(1983 – ) American comedian
People