Subject: People (Page 113)

I can do some things now that I couldn't do when I was 17, like date high school girls.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Age Dating Girls People Relationships Young

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Alcohol Food/Drink Men People Women

I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Self

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
People Relationships Women

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Animals Cats Characteristics People

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident… devastating; I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

When you are down and out something always turns up – and it is usually the noses of your friends.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director
Friends People Situations Young

Here's to Johnny quite a guy. Very sad he had to die. All was well could not be better, Till he wrote my girl a letter.

Conflict Epitaphs Girlfriends Killing

You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Men People

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so… retired mermaids.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Age Old People Women

I’m a member of the weeper sex.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Malaprops People Women

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

(1837 – 1920) American author
Insults People Relationships Time

How do people make new mates?… asking for a friend.

Comedian & writer
Friends People Self

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Age Friends Murphy’s Laws People

Even paranoids have enemies.

Murphy’s Laws People

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own Scotch, you bring your own rocks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Individuals Money People

You may be a redneck if… your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics People Rednecks

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does woman want?’

(1856 – 1939) Austrian neurologist, father of psychoanalysis
People Women

Louis B. Mayer’s arm around your shoulder meant his hand was closer to your throat.

(1911 – 2008) American film director
Insults People

An Iranian moderate is one that has run out of ammunition.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar
Arms Conflict Government People Places