Subject: People (Page 114)

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn good head waiter.

(1896 – 1972) Turkish-born Armenian business magnate
Eating Food/Drink People

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Opinion People

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming “No, that’s not what I said!”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Girlfriends People Relationships

A racing tipster who only reached Hitler's level of accuracy would not do well for his clients.

(1906 – 1990) British historian
People

I hate when women compare men to dogs; men are not dogs… dogs are loyal; I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Animals Dogs Men People

Love thy neighbor… and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance Body Love People

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day… which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Woman: A person who needs a shoe larger on the inside than outside.

Definitions People

If I were married to her, I’d be sure to have dinner ready when she got home.

(1920 – ) U.S. Secretary of State economist, statesman & businessman
People

Man is the only kind of varmint who sets his own trap, baits it, then steps on it.

(1902 – 1968) novelist
Accidents Animals People Problems

Most people my age are dead at the present time.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Age Death Life Misspokements Old People Time

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host
Marriage Men Mistakes Problems

If Howard Cosell were a sport, he'd be roller derby.

(1909 – 1973) American sports journalist
People

When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.

Age Characteristics Friends Murphy’s Laws Situations

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Democracy Government Individuals President

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Entertainment Self Television

They were persecuted at the turn of the century by the U.S. government – that's right: Prohibition.

comedian, television writer
Alcohol Food/Drink People

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Death People Time

Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.

Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Self Sex

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Situations Women