Subject: People (Page 116)

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.

(1900 – 1969) American drama critic & author
America Men People Places Women

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian
People Situations Women

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage People Women

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People TV/Movie Quotes Women

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing themselves.


People Self

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Intelligence People

Given the unlikely options of attending a funeral or a sex orgy, a true Irishman will always opt for the funeral.

(1928 – 2002) Irish playwright, novelist & essayist
People Places

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

(1894 – 1963) English writer
Death People

Indians are born with an instinct for riding, rowing, hunting, fishing, and swimming; Americans are born with an instinct for fooling around with machines.

(1908 – 1981) American dramatist & author
People

If there are any of you at the back who do not hear me, please don't raise your hands because I am also nearsighted.


(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Communication People Self Speech

Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts, and his higher nature; and another woman to help him forget them.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Intelligence Memory Men People Women

Adults are just obsolete children.

Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 – 1991) author & illustrator
Children People

When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky… a woman already knows.

Dating Men People Sex Women

I’ve performed for twelve presidents… and entertained six.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment People Self

You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations Things

I’m not a lesbian… but I play one in the home movies my husband forces me to make.

(1996 – ) American comedian
People Self