Subject: People (Page 126)

Women like jewelry; they’re like raccoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.

(1962 – ) American comedian & actor
People Things Women

I'm not buddy-buddy with the players. If they need a buddy, let them buy a dog.

(1931 – ) American baseball player & manager
Baseball Friends People Sports

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
People

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People

I once dated a famous Aussie rugby player who treated me just like a football; made a pass, played footsie, then dropped me as soon as he’d scored.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Dating Men People Relationships

An optimist in Canada is someone who thinks things could be worse.

(1942 – ) Canadian politician
Canada People Places

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Learning Men People

I'm a vegetarian… well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Eating Food/Drink People Self

Most people my age are dead at the present time.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Age Death Life Misspokements Old People Time

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Characteristics People World

It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding.

(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman
Entertainment People Places

One man's poison ivy is another man's spinach.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
People

You might be a redneck if… you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition.

Characteristics Men People Women

Giving Northerners unbuttered instant grits is an old remedy for getting rid of tourists.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Food/Drink People Places

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Computers People Self Things

Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Friends Success

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat Girlfriends People Women

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

(1884 – 1962) diplomat & reformer & first lady
Characteristics People Self

Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
People Women