Subject: People (Page 19)

We have a strange and wonderful relationship – he's strange and I'm wonderful.

(1939 – ) American football player & coach
People

My doctor said, 'I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!'

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Life People Things

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

(1957 – ) American actor, comedian, writer & director
Alcohol Beer Communication Men Sex Speech

I'm not indecisive; am I indecisive?

(1947 – ) American politician & mayor
Characteristics Self

You might be a redneck if… your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

One man's poison ivy is another man's spinach.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
People

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Life People

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Clothing Money People Women

Give a civil servant a good cause and he’ll wreck it with cliches, bad punctuation, double negatives and convoluted apology.

(1928 – 1999) British politician & diarist
Occupations People Work

It's hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you're shaped like a cello.

American basketball coach & executive
Appearance Body People Self

I know we were buddies because he threatened to kill me on no fewer than three occasions, and he did that only to his friends.

(1935) British film director, producer & food critic
Conflict Friends People Young

I broke up with this girl… I can't tell you her real name, of course, because – well, she didn't tell me her real name.

comedian
Dating People Relationships

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 a.m.

(1926 – 1999) actor, comedian & female impersonator
Food/Drink People

If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown.

Murphy’s Laws People

The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Insults People

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it – if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

American actor & comedian
Food/Drink Sex Speech Women

What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.

Education History Learning Murphy’s Laws People Time

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death People Places

It took us hundreds of years to get one Year of the Woman, then we get a year – one of us cuts her husband's penis off.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Situations Women