Subject: People (Page 26)

I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.

American comedian
Girlfriends Relationships

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Housework People

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girls Intelligence People Women

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders… I hate necks.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Body Communication People Women Wordplay

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.


Conflict Intelligence Killing People Stupidity

All I can say is, if they show my butt in a movie, it better be a wide shot.

(1969 – ) American actress, dancer, singer & entrepreneur
Appearance Body People Self

Woman: An animal… having rudimentary susceptibility to domestication… The species is the most widely distributed of all beast of prey… The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Men People

Any jackass can kick down a barn but it takes a good carpenter to build one.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
People

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist
Intelligence People

You might be a redneck if… you think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People Rednecks

Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.

American film & television producer
Activities People

With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson; without them, I'm fat and 60.

(1937 – ) American actor
People Self

Aborigines: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country.

Definitions People

I can never forgive God for having created the French.

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author
People Places

I look like a mix between a Jew and a guy who would drive by in a truck and yell "Jew.”

American comedian
Appearance People Self

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
People Sex

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
People TV/Movie Quotes

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Sex Women

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

(1918 – 2004) radio and television comedian & talk show host
People

You might be a redneck if… you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Clothing People Rednecks