Subject: People (Page 26)

I saw what’s going on under my chin; I don’t want to be the one the president has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance People Self

You might be a redneck if… the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television

You know how your friends are all morons, and they got the stories wrong all the time?… it’s the same here with the Bible.

(1960 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer
Friends Intelligence Old People

I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, OK, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Intelligence People Women

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Situations Sleep

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Women

The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People

Women won't even brag about [giving birth]… we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Men People Speech Women

Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Friends Marriage Men

You speak it the same way you speak English, you just use different words.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)
Communication Language People Speech

Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.

Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Self Sex

I’ve always said that in politics, your enemies can’t hurt you, but your friends will kill you.

(1933 – 2006) politician
Friends Old People

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People

You might be a redneck if… you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Relationships

A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.

(1875 – 1955) German writer
People

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Autos People Places

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Parents Self Understanding

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.

People

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities People

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s in trouble.

Lutheran minister
People